Get Your Love Back

At times, every marriage or significant relationship has angry fights. Its pretty hard to live with someone and not get angry with them at some point. Interestingly, research has shown that its not the number of fights that couples have which predict if their relationship will last. It’s the way they talk to one another on things big or small that tells how likely they are to stay together.

Research has shown there are five types of anger that are especially destructive to a relationship:

1. Belligerent reactions are challenging or filled with anger in nature. You get the sense that the spouse is looking for a fight and would argue with whatever the other says, regardless of what they say.

WIFE: Here’s an interesting article…
HUSBAND: Can’t you see I’m trying to read?

HUSBAND: Do you want to watch TV tonight?
WIFE: So that’s all you think I’m good for, right? Sitting in front of the tube watching mindless TV shows all the time?
HUSBAND: Of course not. What would you like to do? Maybe you’d rather go see a play instead.
WIFE: Oh, like that’s supposed to make me feel better? (Mocking) “Maybe you’d rather go see a play instead.”

2. Contradictory reactions are when a spouse seems intent on starting a debate or argument.

WIFE: Would you like a tangerine?
HUSBAND: That’s not a tangerine. It’s a Satsuma orange.

 

3. Dominating responses are attempts to gain control over the other.

HUSBAND: Do you know where I’d love to go someday? India!
WIFE: Don’t be ridiculous! You’d hate it there, with all its poverty and overcrowding. Scandinavia- now there’s a place you’d really love!

WIFE: My car’s in the shop. Can you give me a lift?
HUSBAND: I suppose. But only if you’re ready at five P.M. sharp.

 

4. Criticizing responses are attacks on the person as a whole. These are different from complaints which focuses on a particular behavior. When criticizing people use global phrases such as “you never” or “you always”. Criticizing responses are often loaded with blame.

HUSBAND: I’m pooped after doing all that yardwork. I think I’m going to take a nap.

WIFE: No surprise there. You always do one thing and then quit when there are 18 other things that need doing.

 

5. Defensive reactions are when one spouse gives up any responsibility for matters at hand. If one spouse is upset about something, the defensive anger responder may act like an innocent victim of misplaced blame.

WIFE: I’m worried about how we are going to be able to pay our mortgage this month.

HUSBAND: Hey, it wasn’t my idea to get this big house. I just went along with it to make you happy and now look whats happened

Habitually reacting to your partner anger or disdain says:

Your need for attention makes me angry.
I don’t respect you.
I don’t value you or this relationship.
I want to hurt you.
I want to drive you away.

Many marriage counselors have observed that one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship is when one or both partners are using the other as a scapegoat for their own problems. It can become very easy to use the five reactions described here as a way to lay that blame on someone. While they may bring you some satisfaction in the short run, they have been scientifically shown to be very toxic to a relationship and if you use consistently use them your marriage will be very short lived.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, May 29th, 2010 at 10:38 am and is filed under How To Win An Ex Back, Love Relationship Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.